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Leaning In To The Unknown


The day we could finally bring him home.

Have you ever truly faced your fears in the face?

I feel Im in the process of some kind of  shift. This year has by far been one of those years full of growth and life lessons .  I still remember the day I took my son to his 6 month NICU follow up appointment and the Occupational Therapist told me she was going to refer him to Tri Counties to seek Therapy Services. At that time, I was so defensive and confused. I quickly told her ” Why ? Is there something wrong ? How do you know something is wrong when he is only 6 months ? ” I remember walking out of that appointment and immediately calling my mom and husband.I knew from that moment on that I had to be open-minded and take on anything that any medical professional suggested.

I truly know in my heart that my son is my miracle baby. I remember holding him so tight and crying because every time I was able to see him, he was hooked up to something new. I remember the pain of not being able to be with both my babies at the same time. I remember the nights I cried because he wasn’t with us when they said he might be able to come home soon. He constantly suffered heart rate drops and loss of oxygen. They could never tell me why except that breathing and eating were the hardest things a newborn had to do . He was able to do both, except it was a lot harder on him. My son was born with a congenital heart defect and an airway defect named  laryngomalacia. Larngomalacia is when a child is born with a malformation of the larynx. This meant that he had to work extra hard to breathe and to make a long story short, my husband and I barely slept the first 2 years.

As a result, his developmental milestones have been delayed. Our journey has been amazing. My son has taught me how important it is to truly speak up and follow my instincts. Our weeks are carved out with Speech, Occupational ,Behavioral, Physical Therapy, and an Early Interventionist. As we head toward three years old, a lot has come our way.He will begin his assessments to see what therapies he should continue on with. Whatever they refer for him, I will be sure to ensure proper therapy for my son.Im so happy I know what I know now and we will do everything in our power to make sure he is getting what he needs.  My beautiful daughter is blossoming into such a kind-hearted , beautiful soul. She loves her brother so much. She also tells me every single day how much she loves me and thinks I’m the best mom in the whole world. Hearing her little voice tells me that really brightens my day.  The busier I am, the more time just drifts away. I don’t want to miss out on a single thing. I feel like a bad friend. I never have time to call my friends and when I do, I’d rather be working on my businesses. Im learning to accept the things that I cannot change because the only thing I can change are my reactions to situations whether I can or cannot change the circumstances. My step mom is battling stage 4 cancer and my life is so hectic here. I wish I can be there to help support my dad and stepmom. I wish I can take all of this away. No one likes to see or hear about their loved ones suffering.I recently lost one of my closest relatives to brain cancer too. Losing her really slapped some sense into me. Before she got sick, we had some discussions about how important it is to leave the housework and the laundry. She knew about my OCD tendencies and shared with me that she regretted not letting it all pile up.  My mom has been cancer free now for 2 years and seeing both of these beautiful woman endure all of what they had to go through really motivates me to be an advocate for a healthy lifestyle. Its so important. Its not about weight or a scale. Its about taking care of yourself mind , body, and soul. Even though my aunt is no longer here with us, I feel her in my heart encouraging me to keep doing what Im doing.

The day my daughter finally met her little brother

The day my daughter finally met her little brother

I have my days , like last week, where I completely felt like I was  failing at this whole mom thing. I know why. I slacked on waking up early to do my daily devotionals and personal development. I wasn’t writing down my thoughts and journalling my goals and to do list. I was a mental mess.  Im such a self- driven individual with an entrepreneurial mindset. I love working for myself and have always been motivated to work . Is it selfish that I love working ? Is it selfish that I want to be able to work toward having time and financial  freedom with my kids? No it’s not. I don’t care what anyone says either. It is possible to work and be the best mom you can be . I want to continue to raise confident kids who will remember that their mom was here for them.  I gave myself a few days to get out of my own mental pity party and had to snap myself back into reality.

Im so blessed. I’ve experienced the good and the bad.  Im doing the best I can. I wake up and take on each day as it comes and every day it’s a struggle between my mindset and I. Thanks to my wonderful mom who has taught me how important mindfulness is. Are you really aware and present everyday ? Whats really helped me are my workouts. Before I really became dedicated to taking care of myself, I was in denial. I threw out the ” Im too busy card ” . I constantly told myself that there was absolutely no way I could img_1059get into shape by working out at home. One day I just let go all of my excuses and signed up for a discount to afford my favorite superfood shake. Here I am today. Thriving and more happier than ever! I still have all the same problems except Im so much stronger mentally. I love my kids and my dreams are still there. I will get to them at the right pace and the right time. God is in charge and my number one job is to be an amazing mom and wife. I can’t do that if I don’t take  care of myself.  In fact, Im still working hard toward them and as a result, I have an outlet. Ive found new passions and have learned that not every day is promised . Everyday I wake up and thank God for this beautiful life Ive been blessed with. Not everything has to go our way. Its about making the best out of every single situation and not letting the opinions or voices of others get to us. Its about giving back and raising others up. Ive also learned to completely put the opinions of other mom’s out of  my head. It’s not about how smart your kid is . Its not about about whether your kid eats his or her vegetables or if you’re a PTA mom. Its also important to not compare your chapter to someone else’s. It’s about taking it one day at a time.  A mom knows her child and knows whats best for her child.

For now, I will continue to embrace our struggles and thank God for all I have. I know that if he puts us through it, he will get us through it. Leaning in to the unknown is required. It’s about having faith and working toward constant growth.  I know Im right where Im supposed to be.

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