Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go , just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.
Its seems like I’ve been stuck in my own head a lot lately. We all get like this from time to time right ? Between the constant worries and daily battles, I sometimes feel defeated. Its easy to want to curl up in a ball and lock myself in my room. The constant juggling can catch up to me from time to time and my fears tend to kick in.
Is my son going to be ok ? Am I being a good mom ? Willy I be able to put him in a mainstream class? What if nobody understands him in preschool ? How is he going to defend himself ? Am I paying more attention to one more than the other? Am I showing my husband enough attention ? Am I showing my daughter enough attention ? Will I be as successful as I aim to be ? Is it ok to want to grow my business and still be a good mom ? Am I putting in my part in this marriage ? I get to thinking and my reasoning keeps coming back to me. Why do I strive for more? I strive for more so that I can be here for my kids. My kids are my why. My kids are the reason I want to take care of myself. My kids are the reason I want to build my businesses.
Elijah’s journey has been a whole journey within itself. I’m still shocked that my son qualifies for services after the age of 3. Why does this bother me so much ? Well for starters, being the parent in these shoes is something difficult to be in. Its even more difficult when you really don’t know what the diagnosis is or if there is even a diagnosis . The beauty of qualifying for services is that I know we are getting him all of the intervention that will benefit him later on . I feel like he is doing great. I can see that the intense therapy he receives is making a difference in his life . I’m exhausted and I sometimes want to lose it. Between having to muster up more patience than I thought I could ever have to constantly to explaining myself over and over, I love my son. It doesn’t matter whether or not he is diagnosed with anything . I just want answers. I just want to make sure I’m doing all that I can . Truth is, Im not in control . I run my day, yes. But God runs my life. Upon some research, I found that my son can possibly have a genetic mutation and that can be the cause of his laryngomalacia. I am going to ask for genetic testing to be done once this new schedule of ours settles in.
I truly believe my son has delays because of all the lack of oxygen he went through his first month of life . I will never know. When people see him , they see a beautiful little boy full of love and life. That’s exactly who he is. He is such a precious and loving soul who adores his mama. Its easy for anyone to mention their opinion or advice too. After all, that’s just society. Everyone has an opinion. But no one knows my life more than myself. I know my kid better than anybody else. Having a child with laryngomalacia and delays in other areas can be emotionally exhausting. But as a mom, we do what we have to do . We commit to making our child’s needs a priority because we love them and want what’s best for them. Its ok to be scared. Its ok to worry. Its ok to not know what’s next. I have to accept that its ok to be a mom who has a child with extra needs. Extra needs is extra needs and it doesn’t matter the severity of the needs. Extra needs is extra needs . The constant talks with therapists and specialists, the frequent doctors visits, and the never ending reports. It never ends. You almost wonder if it ever will. Its easy to get stuck in your own head and worry. But when I look into my son’s eyes, I see my little champ. My son is so bright, so loving, and so determined to get his point across. He sure is showing us that he understands what we are saying and he truly tries to communicate back. When I look into my daughters eyes, I see a little girl who loves her mommy and daddy. I see a sister who loves her brother unconditionally. His vocabulary is growing and he is starting to get physically stronger. I just signed him up for gymnastics and I think this is going to be better than weekly physical therapy sessions. The core and balance work is going to be great for him . Deep down, I feel so blessed and honored to be his mommy. God gave me this path to teach me many lessons. I can sit here and question all of the suggestions and things that therapists mention to me. But I choose to keep my head up and take action .
My kids are the reason I have big goals. Last year we spent over $2000 in copays. I want to be present for my children and give them more than I ever had. My kids are the reason I want to build a six figure business. I want to be successful so that we can move anywhere and I still have a job. I want to be able to afford college for my kids. I want to take that financial burden off my husband and we will be able to pack our bags and leave for the weekend whenever we want. I’m creating that freedom in my life by working this business. The only way to continue to do this is to work smarter. I’ve been focusing on time management. Penciling everything in my calendar is what really helps me. Separating business and family time is crucial. Its ok to be a mom boss. It most definitely is. I want to wake up each day and run my day. I don’t like when my day runs me. Through this journey of self love and self care, I am learning that it really doesn’t matter what happens to me . I am the author of my story and I choose to be the best mom I can be for my kids. I don’t have this all figured out and I don’t want to. Deep down I know what matters is that I take care of myself whole heartedly from the inside and out. This means I need to continue doing the things that makes me feel good. Taking care of myself makes me feel good . Being present for my kids makes me happy. God sent me this opportunity or me to show other mom’s that its ok to be stressed and overwhelmed. I will use my struggles to fuel me through my journey. We all have our problems. We all tend to over work ourselves and be hard on ourselves. Its important to put the pause button on every now and then and pay attention to our own needs. It does’nt matter what happens to you. What matters is what you do when something happens to you. Are you going to stay down when you fall or are you going to get up, dust yourself off and keep going ? I choose to keep moving forward.