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Walking Into The Unknown

Sometimes its easy to let up and let go of whats keeping us together . Challenges are always waiting for us and we have the power of choice. We have the power to decide which way we will go.

These last few weeks have been a world wind of emotions for me. Ive had the amazing opportunity to travel fort business and meet a lot of people overcoming the unthinkable and really dig deep into the leader I am becoming. Ive been thinking a lot lately and the good thing is that my vision has never been so clear to me. It’s amazing how sometimes our path changes or something steers us in a different direction. For me, that was when my second child was born. He has taught me so much about myself and he’s still so little. I remember the day of my scheduled c section so clearly. But only the beginning to say the least. I wanted complete control . I had everything planned out. I wanted things a certain way and I wanted no formula. I thought everything would be easy the second time around. This picture is the day I was able to get Elijah transferred to a new hospital and our very first helicopter ride together. IMG_0105

My son was admitted into the NICU for 5 weeks following birth. It changed me. Doctors couldn’t really tell me exactly why my son kept losing oxygen or why he his heart rate kept dropping so much.Each day was an emotional roller coaster. The feeling each day of having to leave my baby was horrific. Yet I knew he was at the right place.  Test after test determined his heart condition he was born with had anything to do with the loss of oxygen. I still had no answers. It was all such a mess and so unexplainable. I refused to let more days go by and demanded more and more tests . I was his advocate. I questioned everything. I was lost in a dark cloud and trying to hold myself together . My mom was also recovering from breast cancer. I needed to stay strong for our daughter and for my husband who was also a mess at the time. We soon found out it was something called laryngomalacia and it turned out to be something he could eventually outgrow. We went home with my son feeling incredibly blessed, happy to have our family together, and I was scared . How was I going to manage? My life has never been the same and I know why .

I don’t like comparing my kids to other people’s kids. I don’t care if your child can read before mine or he/ she knows the abc first. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. I go with the flow and accept each day that it is. Ive also come to find that I don’t run the days because everything can change in an instant.  I choose to surround myself with people who will be positive and not complain about life because I used to.  I used to complain about everything. I was so immature. Elijah has taught me so much about becoming someone new and never being ashamed of who I am or what I believe in. Its ok to try new things and to live. I must be accepting of my own self too.  Elijah has taught me compassion. I don’t care about anyone’s opinions of me or the mom I strive to be. Im not anywhere near perfect. Im actually a mess sometimes and have to write everything down because I will forget.  All I know is that we are all on our own journey, and our happiness is not  something we should postpone for the future. It is something we should design for the present. We must constantly try our best to remain present.

Everything is starting to change. I am amazed at how a trial can create such a heart of gratitude in me. But, I think gratefulness is the thing that I have learned a lot. I have so much gratitude in my heart and looking at life just a bit differently has been a game changer. My son is currently seeking therapy due to developmental delays. This was scary for me at first as I have one child who was always so independent and advanced from day 1. Its almost as if each day is different and all we do is try to focus on week by week. He’s made so much progress , but let me tell you, a mom never stops worrying. I need to rewind my thoughts and worries and just keep focusing on being a better mom for him. Elijah will soon be transitioning from the services he’s getting to the school district . I am doing my research and trying to find more answers. I worry about his balance issues . I worry about his walking. I worry more about the receptors in his ears. I worry about his speech and vision. I worry about everything. I am ensuring that he is getting the best care and the best resources. I love my kids so much and I choose to be here with them. This time is passing and what Ive found  most important is my sanity. I must continue to love myself too.

IMG_5231Taking care of myself both mentally and physically has helped mold me into the person I am today. I am not perfect. I struggle and I have bad days where  I just want to lose it. But I thank God every single day that I have this amazing man in my life, and a beautiful family. I couldn’t ask for anything else. But what I do know is that what one wants and seeks, one must do. We can’t sit around and ask or dwell on things. We must literally be willing to get out there and work hard for those things.

Taking care of myself has given me the belief in myself again. Self image is so important in the sense where we should continuously try to be the best version of ourselves so that we can constantly look into the future and work toward it. We must be willing to walk into the unknown . I host monthly health and fitness support groups because I know first hand that every person needs the support. Living a healthy lifestyle and striving to be fit requires mindset and belief. Having a private place to come to and share your tips, ideas and motivation has done wonders for me and I simply love just passing on the love now.

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